“I can sympathize with Ken Kesey who once said that he stopped writing because he was tired of being a seismograph—an instrument that measures rumblings from a great distance. He said he wanted to be a lightning rod.”—Tom Wolfe (via theparisreview)
One of the most dangerous things about forgiveness is that it undercuts your ability to let go of your pent-up emotions. How can you acknowledge your anger against a parent whom you’ve already forgiven? Responsibility can go only one of two places: outward, onto the people who have hurt you, or inward, into yourself. Someone’s got to be responsible. So you may forgive your parents but end up hating yourself all the more in the exchange.
I also noticed that many clients rushed to forgiveness to avoid much of the painful work of therapy. They believed that by forgiving they could find a shortcut to feeling better. A handful of them “forgave,” left therapy, and wound up sinking even deeper into depression or anxiety.
Several of these clients clung to their fantasies: “All I have to do is forgive and I will be healed. I will have wonderful mental health, everybody is going to love everybody, we’ll hug a lot, and we’ll finally be happy.” Clients all too often discovered that the empty promise of forgiveness had merely set them up for bitter disappointment. Some of them experienced a rush of well-being, but it didn’t last because nothing had really changed in the way they felt or in their family interactions.
“Male privilege is “I have a boyfriend” being the only thing that can actually stop someone from hitting on you because they respect another man more than they respect your rejection/lack of interest.”—
The Sociological Cinema
There was actually research that was done that found that women who used an “I have a boyfriend/husband” excuse to reject unwanted sexual attention and harassment by their bosses were more likely to be left alone than those who used any other excuse (including “I’m not interested”)
Because men respect another man’s property (and that’s how they see us) than a woman’s autonomy.
Except on almost a DAILY FUCKING BASIS “I have a boyfriend” or even “I have a girlfriend, I’m not even interested in men” doesn’t register in some of these people’s heads that no means NO. Most commonly their response is then “what, can’t you have friends?” And mine is, no, not ones that hit on me and don’t respect me in the slightest when I reject them nicely. And EVEN AFTER ALL OF THAT, I’ve still had a handful of men say to me “I will change your mind, I will keep trying” it’s hard not to hate being a woman sometimes.
“Until you heal the wounds of your past, you are going to bleed. You can bandage the bleeding with food, with alcohol, with drugs, with work, with cigarettes, with sex; But eventually, it will all ooze through and stain your life. You must find the strength to open the wounds, Stick your hands inside, pull out the core of the pain that is holding you in your past, the memories and make peace with them.”—Lyanla Vanzant (via dominicrook)
Most girls are relentlessly told that we will be treated how we demand to be treated. If we want respect, we must respect ourselves.
This does three things. Firstly, it gets men off the hook for being held accountable for how they treat women. And secondly, it makes women feel that the mistreatment and sometimes outright violence they face due to their gender is primarily their fault. And thirdly, it positions women to be unable to speak out against sexism because we are made to believe any sexism we experience would not have happened if we had done something differently.
I cannot demand a man to respect me. No more than I can demand that anybody do anything. I can ask men to be nice to me. But chances are if I even have to ask he does not care to be nice. I can express displeasure when I’m not being respected. But that doesn’t solve the issue that I was disrespected in the first place.
I can choose to not deal with a man once he proves to be disrespectful and/or sexist. But even that does not solve the initial problem of the fact that I had to experience being disrespected in the first place.
As a young girl, I wish that instead of being told that I needed to demand respect from men that I had been told that when I am not respected by men that it’s his fault and not mine. But that would require that we quit having numerous arbitrary standards for what it means to be a “respectable” woman. It would mean that I am not judged as deserving violence based on how I speak, what I wear, what I do, and who I am.
“I am taking lessons on how to be unselfish in love: I will pick up your call at 4AM when I am hungover because you are sad and because I love you. I will ring you when you’re hurting. I will knock on your door when you’re hurting. I will bring crispy rolls and a carton of ice cream and honey whiskey. When I talk to people about you I will be as proud as my mother the day I was born. I will point and say “yes, that’s the one. Look at him. Isn’t he the damned best thing.” When you’re wrong I’m going to tell you so. I’ll love you even after we fight. I’ll love you even when you stop talking to me. I’ll love you after the fifth break up and the twentieth time you’ve taken food from my plate. There’s chocolate cake in the fridge and even though I really want it it’s yours. Yes, I’ll drive three hours to see you for one. Yes, I’ll kiss the spot on your stomach that tickles the most. You’ll find notes tucked every place you look. Sometimes I’ll fail and they’ll say mean things like ‘sod off, you wanker’ but most of the time, probably, they’ll say ‘hey I’m waiting for you to come back and kiss me.’”—Azra.T “our bread bin is always full of post-it declarations.” (via 5000letters)